


More Like You

by beeboba



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Gender Confusion, Gender Issues, Hurt No Comfort, Self-Esteem Issues, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:27:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28741740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beeboba/pseuds/beeboba
Summary: He wonders just how close they could grow if Tommy hadn't been pushing her away. He really, really hopes she doesn't think she's done something wrong. It's not her fault he's jealous after all. Tommy blinks up at the ceiling, his thoughts coming to an abrupt end.Jealous?-Or, TommyInnit experiences gender envy.
Relationships: Niki | Nihachu & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 166





	More Like You

When Tommy had first met Niki it had been through Wilbur. He hadn't gone into the call with the intention of meeting her, but he'd left with her introduction. He had already known of her, he'd watched the few videos Wilbur had made with her but he hadn't actually met her yet.

When he joined the call though, he found that he  _ really  _ liked her.

She was, in a lot of ways, the opposite of Tommy. He could tell from the start she was caring beyond anything he's ever seen before. She put herself before others countless times in a way Tommy never truly understood; she was as selfless as he was loud and he couldn't help but admire that fact. 

At first, Tommy thought he had a crush on her. He liked the way she presented herself to the world. She was pretty, definitely, but it felt like she didn't need to be told this. She had a sort of confidence that Tommy could only dream of and try and talk into reality. He liked the way she dyed her hair often, he even went as far as almost buying a pink hair dye before he chickened out of it, giving himself the excuse that it wouldn't turn out the way he wanted it to anyways. He liked the way her voice sounded, it was honeyed and soothing. He liked the way she looked, though he thought of this before thinking it was way too weird for someone he was friends with. Because the word "crush" never felt quite right. Not with her. Not with Niki. If anything, he viewed her as more like an older sister but even then, things didn't really add up. Why did he like her that much?

Tommy had never really been that sure of himself, sure he could act like it on streams and in front of others but when he was alone he  _ craved  _ the type of security that she seemed to effortlessly have. In the way that she held her ground whenever she was being mistreated, in the way she spoke, and in the way she even  _ existed.  _ Tommy wanted that, but he didn't understand why.

He ignores it though, of course he does. He continues streaming like usual, wishing he was more like her, editing videos. Spending time dwelling on something he doesn't understand wouldn't do anything to help him, he figures. He has more important things to do.

It's the start of winter break when things begin to make sense to him.

He's happy that he finally has time off from school. He loves it, but it can get a bit overwhelming trying to balance school with maintaining a whole job at only sixteen. He takes his winter break as a real break, from everything. He figures that he needs time off every now and then, even without Wilbur constantly telling him that it's okay to take a break sometimes. He didn't realize how badly he needed rest until he was laid flat on his bed without anything he actually needed to do. It felt nice not being busy, he notices, as he sleepily opens up Twitch to see if any of his friends are streaming. His mind was hazy and he knew that he wouldn't be awake enough to maintain a conversation with someone but he still wanted the comfort his friends provided him. He liked them a lot more than he could ever let on unless he wanted to be teased for the rest of his life over his softer side. He was never able to show his affection stream, nor was he able to do it through messages- he always managed to grow too embarrassed- so nights like this where he could just curl up and just  _ appreciate  _ his friends in their entirety were some of his favorite nights. He opened up Twitch on his phone, making sure he was on an alt, and scrolled through different channels.

**Nihachu has gone live!**

It was a just chatting stream, he noticed. Tommy squints at the thumbnail before distantly recalling that Wilbur told him that he planned on meeting up with Niki soon. He clicks onto the stream, silently watching for a bit as his two friends talk about random topics and decides that it was good background noise to eventually fall asleep to. He would never tell them this, but he found their voices to be rather relaxing. He's swimming in and out of consciousness at this point, feeling the weight of all of his responsibilities float away as he listens intently to the stream. He faintly registers the robotic voice of a donation as he pulls the covers over his shoulders.

"You should stream with Tommy more," Niki repeats the dono before pausing for a second. Tommy perks up at the mention of his name, "Me and Tommy don't really talk all that often, I would love to though," she says with a tone of... sadness? Tommy was too tired to tell, but the twinge of guilt inside of him was very apparent. She was right, they didn't talk much because he had been more or less avoiding her. He wonders if she was hurt by this or if she just assumed he was as busy as he claimed to be. He hated thinking that he might have hurt her feelings.

It isn't her fault, not at all. Tommy likes Niki a lot more than he lets on. He would try his best to include her in conversations when others talked over her; subconsciously adjusting his stream persona to fit hers. Where Tommy was loud and brazen, Niki was soft-spoken and courteous. Despite what others think, Tommy thinks their personalities- as much as they seem to clash- work well together during the rare instances it's just them in call together. He wonders just how close they could grow if Tommy hadn't been pushing her away. He really, really hopes she doesn't think she's done something wrong. It's not her fault he's jealous after all. Tommy blinks up at the ceiling, his thoughts coming to an abrupt end. 

_ Jealous? _

He sits up in his bed, letting the cold fight its way onto his skin as his blanket falls to the floor.

Why would he be jealous of Niki?

The thought hangs in the air as Tommy turns off his phone, their voices become all too much all of a sudden. He was nothing like Niki.

But did he want to be?

He mulls over the question, trying to decipher what led him to think this in the first place. It felt akin to an itch that he just couldn't reach no matter what he tried, and he let out a groan, dramatically flopping back down onto his mattress when he couldn't figure it out. Tommy liked her as a person, he knew this. He liked her hair, her voice, her attitude, just _her_ in general, but he could never be like that, could he? He ponders over the question for a bit longer than he probably should've. He wondered if he _could_ ever be like her- the thought sparked a weird sense of hope in him. He shuts it out though, convincing himself it would never be like her no matter how badly he wanted it.

He didn't know what changed because suddenly everything about him felt gross and out of place. Tommy labeled himself as a big man, never batting an eye when he was referred to as his name or anything to do with being a guy but the words felt so much more daunting. He was nothing like Niki and he would probably never be. Tommy wasn't naive, he knew that there had been little things over the years but he always thought he could handle it, that it wouldn't get to a point where he was crying in bed just wishing for his thoughts to stop and for him to feel normal. He hated his height and how lanky he was, he wanted to be short again. He hated how his voice was deep and gravelly at times, he wished that his voice was soft and high pitched. He hated how he couldn't look in the mirror long before feeling like he was stuck in his own skin, never feeling completely right. His body didn't have curves in the places he yearned for and his face lacked the softness he wanted. Tommy just wished he was pretty. 

It only took one night for Tommy to realize that he liked Niki that much because she was everything he wasn't and for the dam to break loose making salty tears travel down his face.

He let himself cry for the person that he'll never be, and the strange sense of rage that he felt because it just wasn't  _ fair. _

And maybe when he wakes up, he'll feel normal again.

**Author's Note:**

> ahh I don't really like how this one came out, but MTF Tommy fics are so cool to me so I wanted to write one of my own. Feedback welcome! Hope you all are doing well <3


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